Poetry Monday: Fever Words

This is kind of like a theme every time I get sick, I write a weird poem about how sick I am. Oh well, I think they turn out all right so here’s another.


Fever Words


words don’t work the way they used to

when my fever heat brings chilling waves across my bones

I feel as blurry as a heat wave settling over the hills

there’s no escaping the sickness from within

it feels like depression except the pain is on the outside

the only thing the same is the constant mantra

‘please let me die, I want to die, why don’t I die’

because that’s a mantra I somehow always fall back on

somehow it’s always there to hold me up at the worst of times

and sometimes is even there at the best of times

but my words will return soon

when the heat passes away

and I’m left with the chill of winter

reminding me of recovery

and scars that don’t go away



Introverts Can Have Fun at Parties!

Tonight I went to a game party. It was actually kind of sudden. I was in my apartment – Oh, is this new? Woops. Here, let’s start at the beginning.

Last Friday I moved into my apartment. Friday night I got struck down with the flu, horribly, so as soon as I got off of work (yay for infecting other people all for the sake of being on time) I headed home and slept for twenty-four hours. By Sunday afternoon I was well enough to officially move into my apartment. Yes, my apartment. I have five roommates but only one do I share a room with. Two are sisters, two were from this apartment before, and the last, my roommate, is a second semester freshman. They’re all pretty great.

Anyway, this week has been basically school, work, and getting to know my roommates. Tonight I got back after the weekend at home to find the apartment filled with strangers. They were all girlfriends of my roommates so I said hi, made hot cocoa, and sat down to do homework. After a while everyone left and/or went to bed. I was the only one in the front room, still doing homework. After a few minutes there was a knock on the door.

Instantly I assumed it was one of my roommates friends and stood up to answer the door. Typically I tend to hide from a knocking door but as everyone was in their rooms so I got to answer the door. And – who else – but two guys stood on the doorsteps. I awkwardly greeted them and they told me about a game party they were hosting at that time in their own apartment. I told them to come in and ran off to find a roommate who could talk un-awkwardly and kindly to these strangers.

Luckily one of them came out and shook their hands (no, I did not shake anyone’s hand because I was standing childishly behind my roommate) and listened to them explain about the games. She said we might just come over, just because they braved the cold! And then one of them jokingly said there was a lot of good-looking guys over there and we both laughed. Anyway, they left and I fully intended to go back to homework but… I could tell my roommate was actually tempted to go over so I said I’d go with her.

So I did. And you know? It was so much fun. Maybe because my team totally won pictionary (partly because of me even though I suck at drawing I don’t even know how they guessed what I drew) but also because it  was just fun to hang out with kids my age. I was the first to leave but only because my other wisdom tooth is coming in (owwww) and I have homework. But even though I left silently and secretly as soon as the game got over I was totally okay with it.

I mean, I used to hate myself because I got sick of company so much faster than other people. I also had the hardest time just talking to people, at least with small talk. But recently I realized that I am an introvert. Okay, and there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s so great! Even though I tired quickly of the company, I still managed to reply to any comments aimed at me – intellectually! I enjoyed the game and then when I couldn’t small talk anymore I left.

It was pretty freaking fantastic. Also, even though I left without telling anyone but my roommate they opened the door after I left and said thanks for coming. Which didn’t make me feel special or whatever but it was nice. Like, hey they totally cared that I came and ya know it was great. It’s okay that I left early, I had fun and I do really have a lot of homework to do as soon as the pain killer kicks in.

Anyway, that’s pretty much my life. School, work, and the occasional party. Really my life is 95% homework so far. Hopefully I’ll get caught up by Tuesday so I can get back to ya know, not stressing out. (I accidentally started the semester behind by adding a class late, woops.) Also, it’s beyond freezing. That’s not even an exaggeration, this morning it was below 16 and my car wouldn’t start for twenty minutes. Yeah.

So I hope you all had a great weekend, have a great week, and do great in all the things you do!



TBR Challenge

I feel completely nuts signing up for this contest but I figure, hey I totally did two contests last year so I can do this. Plus this one is so awesome! This one is great and fantastic! See even the picture is awesome:

(click to be sent to the blog post about this challenge)

Anyway, basically you choose 12 books that have been in your To Be Read pile and read them! Like actually read them! This is one of my worst habits, just kind of forgetting books I mean to read or just buying books and never reading them. But this year I will! This year I will read 12 books I keep meaning to read but never do. Here’s my list:

  1. Divergent by Veronica Roth (2011)
  2. Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens by J. M. Barrie (1906)
  3. For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway (1940)
  4. Freak the Mighty by Rodman Philbrick (1993)
  5. It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini (2010)
  6. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson (1881)
  7. Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen (1993)
  8. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest by Ken Kesey (1962)
  9. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (2006)
  10. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde (1890)
  11. The Little Prince by  Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1943)
  12. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)


  1. Moby Dick by Herman Mellville (1851)
  2. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson (2009)

Half of that list is Classics. Oh well, I can use them for the Back to Classics challenge. Anyway, I’m really excited for this challenge! Several of these books I own and I’ll finally read! I’ll make up a page for this list later on so I can add it on to the list and I probably will post reviews for every one of these books. So stay tuned.


To Living!

Every year on New Years Eve for as long as I can remember I have done the same thing; I read past journals, skim through old emails, find letters to myself, and basically reminisce. Then I spend a bit of time planning for the New Year, telling myself it will be better than the last.

This year I did something different, I skipped the reminiscing part. I did visit a few old posts on my other blog, I remembered some great events, but I did not laboriously remember every single memory. I did not mourn every lost chance, every mistake made, every bad thing I did. Instead I spent today basically remembering the good things that have happened. Here’s a list of my favorite events of 2012:

  • Having a friend visit me in January and be there when I got my wisdom tooth out.
  • Meeting and making friends with Becca.
  • Going on a writing retreat (twice).
  • Seeing Bill Cosby.
  • Neil Diamond in concert.
  • Going on a small road trip with a friend and seeing Blue October.
  • Meeting Mariella!
  • My family.

This year was probably one of the worst and best years of my life. But you know what? It’s over. The year is over. These good memories are part of me though but everything else? It’s over and gone. What’s the use of going through and remembering the entire year? What’s the point in making myself endure all the memories I am ready to forget? There is none.

It’s still weird, though, moving on without looking back. I know we learn from history but why not learn when it happens instead of ten years past? I learn from my mistakes and move on. I think that is the most important thing I’m carrying from this year to next year. The past is in the past. I am so tired of living in 2007, 2010, or even last week. It is time for me to move on.

2013 is the year of living. No more waiting, no more remembering, no more mourning.



Poetry Monday: Baggage

The year of course has to end on a Monday so this will be my last post of the year! I wanted to write some fantastic memorial post about the year ending but this is about as good as it gets. It has been something that has been weighing on my mind and I hope it’s at least worth reading. Tomorrow I will post my New Year’s post. I hope you all have a wonderful night.




everybody has got baggage

they drag it behind them

hold it above them

sink low behind it

on rainy days they seek to ignore it

on sunny days they throw it around

it’s just another something

we’ve all got to carry around

it’s just one of those things

we learn to live with

or ignore if we can

because sometimes that’s the easiest

except on those days

the baggage weighs a ton

and snaps open to reveal

all your dirty underwear

hidden beneath pretty pastels you never wanted to see again

and you remember when you tore your trousers

or that time you spilled the tea

or knocked over that memory

quick cover your eyes

but it’s too late because the memory lies in your mind

and you’re back to younger childhood

all those memories you’ve thought you forgotten

but you haven’t

and they sting and burn like a thousand bees and a thousand matches

coming at you all at once

wanting to torch you to the ground

because there is no way you can handle these things that happened to you

but you did

you survived

you’re still alive

snap your baggage shut again

move on past the past

and I’m pretty sure no one will care

if you burn those underwear

before you move on again



Book Review: Lesbian Vampire

Book reviews

I read Carmilla by J. Sheridan LeFanu for the horror category. The last category I have to complete! It’s pretty exciting. Anyway, about Carmilla. It was written in the 17th century before even Dracula was written or published. Funnily enough most people know of Dracula but don’t know that Carmilla was probably the book that inspired it.

I will try to give this book a decent summary so here goes. The book is written in first person by a young woman named Laura. At the beginning she is looking forward to a visit from a friend but is disappointed to find that her friend dies before she is able to see here again.

But somehow quite luckily a carriage crashes into their yard. Inside the carriage is a young woman, Laura’s age, and her mother. It is obvious that the young woman is ill but the mother is in a rush to get on with her journey. It is decided that the young woman will stay with Laura and her father until the mother can come and get her.

Laura and the young woman, Carmilla, become fast friends soon after. In fact it seems as if Carmilla wishes to become more than friends. Carmilla is incredibly intimate with Laura, falling into fits of passions that Laura isn’t quite sure what to make of. Still, this doesn’t go on long before Laura is plagued with nightmares of a large cat beast coming and biting at her neck.

And there’s that. You’ll have to read the book if you want to find out the end. It’s actually more of a novella than a book but it was really interesting. I read Dracula a while ago and while I liked that book I almost like this one better. Only I like them so differently that it’s hard to decide which one I like better.

The only thing I wish about this book was that it was longer. It was really, really interesting. It was quite easy to jump right in, especially because Laura’s voice was an easy voice to read in. Occasionally there were confusing bits where I wished there was more detail or the events were more explained but I was able to fit the pieces together in my head. Just, only if it were longer.

As it was the plot was fascinating. It was also the first time I ever really understood the lust vampires have for people. I read Dracula and it was said that he was in love with Mina but I was more disgusted by how evilly he was portrayed to really believe he felt much for her. However, in this book the love Carmilla had for Laura was conveyed in a convincing way almost. She was not really in love with Laura, but she lusted after her. More than that, she lusted after her blood. It was a sick love, exactly the way I think a vampires love should be. Not romantic at all.

Basically, I really enjoyed this novella. I definitely need my own copy soon. It was the kind of vampire book I love. Where the vampire is wonderfully horrifying.

And that’s the end of the book reviews! Yay! I hope they all qualify and stuff. It was obviously great fun to read more Classics. I always try to read as many classics every year but it was fun to have some motivation. Especially motivation to read Classics I normally wouldn’t!

Also, there is going to be another Back to the Classics challenge next year! I am definitely going to give that one a go. And I hope you do too! The best thing about reading classics is sharing them with someone else.



Book Review: Pride and Prejudice

A romance book! Finally. I had to actually find one and read it because I don’t naturally gravitate towards romance books. However, for this challenge:

Book reviews

I did indeed read a romance. A classical romance. And truth be told, it was actually pretty good. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. First, the basic outline before I review it… Do I need to write a basic outline? Maybe. I’ll do a really basic one. With bullets.

  • Enter the five Bennet girls, all silly except two. Plus their simpering, annoying mother. 
  • Enter two young men. One that is instantly matched with the eldest Bennet, the other that is despised by all.
  • Trials and tribulations then romance for all! (And justice for Wickham and the silliest Bennet child)

Is that good enough? I hope so because I barely finished it last night and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t either read the book or watched on of the many versions of the movie. Even my cousins who don’t read have watched the modern version of the movie.

So the review. I’m not exactly sure if it’s Jane Austens’ style that annoyed me or if it was just old-fashioned for me. I find it hard to believe the latter because my two favorite books are Jane Eyre and The Hobbit and both of those are old-fashioned and the former is a romance (yes my favorite novel is a romance but it’s a really good one). So I instead will attribute the reason I got annoyed with this book is because Austen is incredibly irritating to read.

About 1/3 of the book could have been eliminated for all the backwards wording and re-saying of what had already been said. There were only two sections that kept me awake at night reading, the rest of the book I had to force myself through. Plus I couldn’t understand how people could be that incredibly stupid as the Bennet sisters are said to be. Sure, I’ve met some really silly girls (and some silly boys even) but nothing what is portrayed in this book. This I’m more readily able to accept as it being something old-fashioned. I mean they probably were held to a higher standard, right? So a normal girl now days might have been thought silly so therefore it makes sense. Somewhat.

However, in spite of the style of writing I still liked the plot. I have heard a lot of people saying that Darcy is mean and blah blah but okay I liked him. I mean I wish maybe his overall goodness was hinted in the beginning of the novel so it’s not like all of the sudden just kidding Darcy is the good guy! But I can believe someones pride and prejudice can fool them into believing the worst of someone who is actually the best. Also I’m a sucker for happy endings.

Also, I was suspicious of Wickham from the very beginning so there’s another reason it was easier for me to accept Darcy’s goodness and Wickham’s dishonesty. Overall I liked the plot but it was a chore to get through the book on a whole. I will attempt another of Austen’s books soon and see if it’s her I don’t like or maybe just the old-fashionedness of this book alone.



Book Review: Sweeter Peppers than Mine

Hey, I almost made a joke with the title this time! I am reviewing Five Little Peppers and How They Grew for the 19th century section this time.

Book reviews

I don’t really remember what made me read this book, I think it was in my to-read books and I saw it in the library and was like yes! But I could be wrong. Anyway, here’s my review from goodreads since it’s easy:

“This was such an adorable little book. I loved the relationships between the Pepper children and how they were all so kind and good to each other. It reminded me a lot of the relationship I have with my siblings and I appreciated the positive spin it put on family life. However, occasionally I felt the author skipped between what was happening. It was as if something was happen then suddenly something else was with no transition whatsoever. Other than that it was a beautiful book I want to read to my future children. Maybe it will make them nice like the Pepper children.”

The book is basically about five little children who have lost their father and live in poverty with their mother. They are such bright kind children! So 19th century type children! And everything goes wrong. They are poor and sad and sick. And then everything goes right! They meet this boy who helps them and (so typical of books written in this time and genre but no less wonderful) suddenly everything is beautiful.

It’s really a quick, sweet read. I suggest it to everyone. It’s not like smashing excellent writing but it is well put together. While it’s not exciting and inspiring, it’s a feel-good teaching book. Yes. This book is good. 4/5



Book Review: 1984

Book reviewsAnother lame title because this book is pretty lame. Alright, it’s not that lame but I just… If I could meet George Orwell I would hit him on the head with this book. Except I’m not mean so maybe I’d get a paperback copy.

I’m reviewing this book for the classic set in a country I won’t ever visit. You can bet I’ll never visit the England in 1984 (unless a mad man in a box comes and gets me but theoretically here) and I hope that this version of England where there’s only crappy coffee and no love never exists so I can never go there. Actually, England isn’t even called England it’s called Airstrip One so hopefully this counts.

Basically I don’t want to give a summary of this book because it was hard enough reading it once but I will. The main character is a man named Winston who is bland, boring, and a typical member of the party. But secretly he hates everything to do with what’s going on. He hates Big Brother, the party, and all the regulations. Still, what can he do?

Until he meets a girl and begins a secret relationship with her. There is no love between them, just a mutual hate for the government. Still they meet in secret with desires to destroy the government and the people in power over them.

That’s all I’m going to say. Overall it’s hard to review because there’s two parts to this story. I don’t think it was awfully well-written, it was alright but it wasn’t like an A+ novel. On the other hand it was a jarring, educational book that made a lot of sense and is definitely a good read. I have a hard time believing humans have the potential to become so evil but I do know it is possible. Because of this possibility I do believe what this book predicts could come to pass. Humans are intelligent and if that intelligence was used in the wrong way, anything could happen.

Still I hate Orwell with an absolute burning passion for the ending. It took me weeks to come to terms with it and even now I still hate it. That was such a rude way to end it. Yet, in order for the ending to be done right I know it had to be done that way. It’s a book to learn from, not to enjoy.



Merry Merry Christmas!



Those pictures effectively summarize my Christmas. Yes I totally did get a Doctor Who shirt, actually I got three, and A BEARD HAT. My friend made it for me. She’s the greatest. And that tea set? That’s not even half of it. There’s a large bowl, a few large plates, and a dozen or so smaller plates, dishes, and cups. On the bottom of each cup are Chinese characters and that’s rice in the sides of the cups and bottoms of the plates. It is absolutely fantastic.

Really, the best part of Christmas was having a tea party with my siblings, mom, and grandma. My brother decided he didn’t want tea and put hot chocolate in the cream dish. He’s kind of cute. Speaking of him, he’s the one that had me for Christmas (the youngest one) and he got me a frog stuffed animals. Did you know I have the best brother in the whole wide world? My other brothers are pretty great too.

I also get to learn a new instrument because I got a harmonica! I love harmonicas, I used to have one when I was a kid and it was awesome. Now I have one that I’ll actually learn on.

But the very best part is finally being able to go out and buy the things I need and not worry someone will get them for Christmas. Good heavens, that’s my least favorite part of Christmas. Because, you know, I move out in two weeks.

I get to a be a big girl and live all by myself in another town. Except it’s not really that exciting because I’ve done it before. Last summer for school and every summer before that to work on the other farm. The only difference is that this time I’m living with complete strangers. I did email them but only two (out of five, I know! I wish I was rich enough to get a private dorm) replied so I don’t really know them. The one sounded really nice though.

Tomorrow I’m going to start packing so that I can pack really slowly and not panic on the last day. I also need to sign up for my last class and then guess what? In about three and a half months I’ll have my associates.

So there’s that. All grown up with a beard hat. How was your Christmas? Fantastical, I hope. If not you should tell me and I’ll give you a virtual hug or something.

God bless you!


P.S. I also bought myself tickets to the TWLOHA Heavy and Light tour. Happy Christmas to me! If anyone wants to go with me the company is greatly appreciated.

P.P.S Kayla – aka eshy – deserves a mention. Thank you so much! She sent me a TWLOHA t-shirt and I beyond love it. Thank.

Poetry Monday: Alive

I think this one speaks for itself. I didn’t mean to write it but here it is.




music courses through my veins

along with the blood that keeps me alive

I am notes and time signatures

words of nonsense and vibrant colors

low self-esteem and knowing I can be the best if I wanted to be

but nothing at all and nothing to see

I can love but I can hate

I am bold destruction

and meek repentance

I am everything I never wanted to be

But I am